Take any dysfunctional human relationship, from the one between you and your mom to the relationship between the US and the Taliban, and you can find one single fear that binds them. What is that fear? It is the fear of others' irrationality.

We operate with this idea that a safe person is one who is consistent. That if a person says he believes one thing, he believes that thing but never its opposite.  If he says he wants to do something, it's not an option for him not to want to do it. But there's a problem with this idea.

The problem is that we actually are far from consistent. The fact is, the feeling mind is made of distinct, interactive parts or nodes. Each single one has its own view of the world, and very often different parts of a person hold different ideas, perceptions, beliefs, motivations, and feelings. This is a perfectly natural thing. 

But because we cling to the unreasonable expectation that a person be completely consistent, several things happen to sabotage relationships:

1. We hide parts of ourselves which might be perceived to be inconsistent or irrational. So we are never fully present to our lover, our business partner, our friend, our enemy.
2. In order to maintain our own self-perception of consistency, we hide inconsistent parts from ourselves. So our fears, frustrations, or over-enthusiasms with the relationship get buried. And when they get buried, they have a habit of getting back at us. They pull the strings on our thoughts and behavior from behind the curtain, and we find ourselves acting irrationally, and wondering why.
3. When we see the other person acting inconsistently, we judge them and remove ourselves from engagement with them. Or we condemn them and force them to back away from us. We bring a great deal of energy to this because of the intensity of the effort we must apply to hold ourselves in check. "If I'm going to be consistent," we say, "they better well be consistent too."
4. Whenever irrationality shows up in either ourselves or the other, it raises our anxiety. With that raised anxiety, whether conscious or not, comes increased control. We try to lock things down, keep them under wraps. We avoid certain topics of conversation, keep from getting too close, stockpile our options to escape out the back door.

What's the solution?

The solution is to embrace the multiplicity of the self.

1. Assume that whatever a person says, it is also possible that its opposite may be true.
   
   
2. Ask the question of yourself and others, "What else...?" You can complete this question with just about anything:
   
   "What else are you thinking?"
   "What else do you believe?"
   "What else are you feeling?"
   "How else do you see that?"
   
   You might consider softening the question with language like the following:
   
   "I'm wondering if you have any other feelings about this?"
   "Is there any other part of you which has an opinion about this?"
   
   And some further variations include these:
   
   Is there something else you want?
   Is there anything else we should consider?
   Is that all?
   Tell me more...
   
   
3. Lead by example. Use phrases like, "One part of me wants A, but another part of me thinks B would be better." The more you can reveal yourself as a manifold self, the more the other person will feel comfortable being open to their own inner diversity. 

You will find that when you open up an invitation to others to include more parts of themselves, they will begin to feel safer with you. They will start to feel ok sharing more of themselves with you. And in combination with you revealing more of yourself, together you will create more closeness, more trust, and more consciousness in the relationship.

So go forth, armed with these two powerful words, "What else...?" and spread the harmony. It's a good thing to keep in mind during the holidays and beyond.